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writing about writing.

i’ve been a bit stuck recently. every time i’ve gone to try and write things down - i just can’t. i’ve not been able to channel the things i want to write about enough to write about them. so what do you do then? when there’s so much to write that just can’t be written? will the thoughts and feelings be processed and felt differently because you can’t unravel them enough to make any sense? that’s what i feel writing is about, in a way. your thoughts are tangled until they’re expressed in some form. and that’s the untangling, the analysis and the understanding.

which makes me question further - are the feelings i can’t write down the ones which i’ve left too long, and they’re tied up beyond the point of being able to be pulled apart? or are they just too complicated to be written about in the first place? are they things that i’ve thought too rapidly and carelessly, and they never even made it into my head into any recognisable format? will these thoughts stay there forever, until i figure out how to write them, or will they fade? are they unwilling to be written about because they’re destined to be something different, thoughts that were thought with the intention of being released in the form of song or dance, not literature? does everything have to be let out, does the brain work like a factory, and does every thought have to be processed and expressed in some way?

for me, moments of complete and utter clarity in my mind are pretty rare. which is why, when one comes along, it’s important for me to embrace it and really work at unpicking the things that don’t make sense to me. and i think this is a successful untangling of a small jumble of words and thoughts and questions, organised into some form of writing - like a communication between two parts of my mind to try and grasp the way the other part works, or at least the way it should.

but is this really a release of thought, or is this just a way of creating more knots in an already tangled mess, generating more thoughts and questions and feelings, to be expressed, yet again? to go back into the factory that is my brain, and come out as something completely new?

i’ll let you know if i figure it out.

self destruction.

is it okay to self destruct with the intention of making yourself a better person?

unintentional self destruction that occurs alongside the strive for self improvement is surely preventable? i think in the journey of changing who you are and taking (what you perceive to be) necessary actions to make yourself a better person, bringing yourself down is almost unavoidable. some people will never ever be good enough for themselves and in trying to be the best version of yourself, your worst traits will undoubtedly reveal themselves.

jealousy, comparison, anger.

putting all your efforts into changing the way you look or the way you dress or the things you do or the people you hang out with will leave parts of your mind to go places you wouldn’t imagine - causing damage in the background whilst you’re too busy trying to do what’s right. thoughts and feelings that may never have been thought or felt are triggered by doing what you see to be self improvement. but is it really improvement if it’s causing unhappiness?

a journey to happiness can’t be spurred on by a need to be somebody or something different, because that’s ultimately being discontent in the person you are. happiness comes from happiness. what’s the point in aiming for happiness when your motivation is a feeling of negativity or lack of self worth? that’s like tying your feet to the ground whilst standing in front of a ladder - you can see the way up but you aren’t allowing yourself to get there. the drive for improvement should be a determination to do just that - improve. be a better version of you, not a different version of you. and not for the reason that you aren’t good enough, but for the reason that you know you can be better.

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